Questions Kids Never Ask Rick (But They Ought To)

Q: What’s your strategy when you play the game of RISK?

A: I stockpile all my armies in Australia, have barbecues and lie on the beach while the rest of the world fights it out.

Q: What’s your favorite Monopoly piece?

A: The race car. Somehow I feel that if I’m the race car I’ll move around the board faster and collect my $200 more often.

Q: Have you ever seen a UFO?

A: No. (That’s what they told me to say!)

Q: Why do you have so many spider plants growing in your house?

A: Because they’re almost impossible to kill. I like that in a plant.

Q: Why do you have so many weeds growing in your yard?

A: Because they’re almost impossible to kill. I hate that in a plant.

Q: Have you ever had a weird address experience?

A: Oh yes. When I was fourteen we moved from house number 1650 in one city to house number 1560 in another city. Spooky!

Q: Have you ever won anything?

A: When I was twelve I won a baseball at a Little League party. When I was thirteen I won a bat at a Little League party. The next year I was out of Little League, and I haven’t won anything since.

Q: You live next to several of the best ski resorts in the country, yet have never been skiing. Why?

A: Because if I went skiing I would either like it or I wouldn’t. If I liked it I’d be frustrated because I couldn’t afford to go more often. If I didn’t like it I’d wish I hadn’t gone. So to keep myself happy, I don’t go skiing.

Q: You say your first name is Rick, but what is it really?

A: Eric.

Q: Who did your parents name you after?

A: My father, who lived in Sweden for a couple of years, named me after Eric the Mad, a horrible, brutal old king of Sweden. At least that’s what Dad says.

Q: What were you almost named?

A: I was born on Abraham Lincoln’s birthday. My grandfather’s name was Otto Abraham. I was almost named Abraham. But my mother, on the day I was born, cried to my father, “PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME NAME HIM ABRAHAM!” My father, for the sake of the marriage, did not make my mother name me Abraham (although to all you Abrahams out there, including my cousin Abe, I think it’s a perfectly fine name and would have worn it proudly).

Q: What’s the weirdest animal experience you had as a child?

A: I frequently helped our neighbor two doors away look for his pet wolf when it got out.

Q: What do you know about science?

A: Nothing. But Mr. Science Wiseguy , he knows everything.

Q: Have you ever worked on a presidential campaign? Yes I have! I was Dave Barry’s 1992 Utah campaign chairman.

Q: If you had all the money in the world, what would you do with it?

A: Probably burn it to keep warm. If I had all the money, then the world would have to be using some other form of exchange, so my money would be worthless.

Q: Why do you plan to stop having kids after 42?

A: Because 43’s just too many.

Q: What political office would you like to hold?

A: I would like to be appointed to the office of “Unnamed Whitehouse Source”.

Q: How long do you sleep at night?

A: 5’11”.

Q: How did you get rid of a swarm of bees in your yard?

A: I vacuumed them up. Those were some mighty angry bees.

Q: How do you get a swarm of angry bees out of your vacuum cleaner?

A: I don’t know. If you have any suggestions, send them to me.

Q: What do you like to play on your guitar?

A: Basketball.

Q: Why do you take naps every day?

A: Because no one will give them to me.